This is something I never ever thought I would have to write about. My usually sarcastic cheery posts are so much more fun to write than this. I still have only had to have the words come out of my mouth once to someone who did not know and that was so hard. It was over the phone, I have no idea what I would do if I had to tell someone in person. So what is it, I am leaving you hanging here I know. But as soon as I write the words then they are there for me to look at. For it to be real.
My friend, ex-boss, a person I looked up to, an inspirational man, and a man who always knew what to say has died. The worst part is it was not an accident, he chose to. He killed himself. I still can't believe he is gone. He had so many people who loved him and regarded him with the highest of high respect. He was a chiropractor who gave so many people hope and healing. I can not believe he chose to do this, and neither can anyone else in town. Everyone I have spoken to about it says the same thing "No, are you sure someone else did not do it?" That is exactly what I said too. It is so hard to believe. I think until the funeral I will not actually feel how real it is. I have driven by the office everyday hoping and praying to see his car there. To see all his patients walking in like always. I want to stop in with my boys and see his smile as he picks up Dexter and tells me how he has grown. I need to hear his laugh and his corny inspirational quotes one more time. I want to hear him laugh at some stupid question I have. I need him to check Max again and tell me if he is okay, because there is no other doctor in the world I would trust with my sweet baby.
I feel so guilty too. Guilty that I did not see it. Guilty that I did not text him this weekend when I felt like I NEEDED too. I had such a strong feeling on Saturday to text him and tell him that Max needed to see him and I kept thinking about working for him and what a great boss was. It was so strange and I did not act on it. What if I had? I am sure so many people felt like that this weekend what if we had all texted him? Would he still be here. What if I had gone in on Monday would I have been able to sense something? Could I of said something that would of made even the slightest difference? Probably not but I still feel like I should of said something done something. Anything.
I remember one time after I came back from maternity leave from having Dex we were getting into our cars after work and he just stopped and looked at me and said "I am so glad you are back, it makes me feel better" That meant the world to me. I have hung on to those words for years. I wish I had told him how much that meant to me. Now I never will get the chance. I was a shitty employee after I had Dexter, my mind was constantly thinking about him. I wish I had been a better employee, a better friend too.
One of my other favorite memories of him is, one day I was walking out of his office and I saw this note on his bulletin board where he only put important stuff and it said "love you daddy-o!" I saw it one day and I said something like how it was cute and he got the worlds biggest proudest smile and he said "That's from my daughter! She always calls me daddy-o, its cool" I could just tell at that moment how much he loved her. They lived far away but I swear there was not one day that went by when he did not say something about her. I just loved that he had so much love for her and he was so proud of her. My heart breaks for her now. I can not imagine not having my daddy-o around.
Then there is this part of me that is so incredibly mad at him. How could he do this?? How could he leave his wife who deserved so much more than this. She is an amazing woman, she deserves the world not this. No reasons will ever be enough for her. And his daughter, that kills me. I know how much at 25 I NEED my dad still. I can't imagine if he was not there to walk me down the isle when I got married or if he had not been there to meet my babies. Girls need their dads for that kind of stuff. I need my dad to play ball with my boys and take them to baseball games. I need him to rock them to sleep and love them only the way a grandpa can. And she needs that and deserves that too. He also left an entire community that needed him. So many people went to him to get healthy, and to be inspired and feel better. We all depended on him, he had patients that day that needed to see him. Its not fair of him to do this to us.
Maybe we all depended on him to much, we needed him so much none of us could see how much he needed us. A few weeks ago when I was in the office asking about Dexter's rash he was so out of it. Was he thinking about this then? I asked him if he knew what it was and what I should do. He never gave me a clear answer so I took Dexter to his Pediatrician and she told me it was nothing to worry about. Did he feel like that was a slap in the face? Did I hurt his feelings? I wish I hadn't said anything about going to the other Doctor. He was just so vague that I needed to hear what the name of the rash was and where he got it from...
Thoughts like this are what are keeping me up at night and making my week drag on. Yesterday I saw one of his patients that came and he changed her life and her kids life so much while I worked there and I knew she did not know. When I started talking to her I prayed that she would not ask me how he was or if I had seen him because I knew I would lose it and on Halloween of all nights. My favorite holiday!
But now it is time to stop letting him and what he did stop consuming my mind because it will only drive me crazy. Now is the time to move on and remember him the way he was not how he died.
Rest in peace Dr. Jon. You will be FOREVER missed.
I was always so proud to work for you.