Saturday I went out shopping for some new spring clothes all by myself. I was pretty excited! As I went to different stores I noticed something, I was wearing a smaller size. All my efforts of running and eating less were working. I was elated. As I stood in the dressing room staring myself down wearing a pair of jeans one size smaller than my normal size, and for the first time in years wearing a juniors shirt I thought "Maybe I am not as bad as I think. Maybe the world doesn't see what I see when I look at myself Maybe they don't see all my imperfections my love handles, stretch marks from my two blessings, my new giant hips, and my large arms. Maybe they see something else." At that moment starring into the mirror really giving myself a shake down I liked what I saw. I felt pretty. I felt a way I have not felt since Max was born.
As I walked up to the counter grinning about to purchase my new shirt I felt a new confidence. I smiled at everyone as I walked by, when the cashier told me that he loved my shirt I smiled and said thank you. What he said next I was not prepared for at that moment. Any other day and I would of been expecting it. He stared at me, looking right at my stomach and says "You know yet if its a boy or a girl?"
I took a deep breath and as calmly as I could replied "I am NOT pregnant" As I stood their feeling totally humiliated wondering if all the people in line behind me heard him and if they were thinking the same thing. I couldn't help but feel discouraged, I also couldn't help but cry. The guy tried to apologize but it was to late. My moment of having self esteem and feeling decent was gone. Just more proof of how no mater how hard I try I will never be as skinny as the world thinks women should be.
I just can't believe this has happened to me again. This is the fourth time since I had Max, almost a year ago.
Some days I really wonder if I will ever have self esteem again. Will I ever look at the girl starring at me in the mirror and like her or accept her again. I wonder if I will ever look at her and stop begging her to be better, skinnier, just be prettier. I thought I had gotten there, not feeling amazing but finally accepting myself but as quickly as it had come it was taken away. I have tried to not let it bother me but everyday I look in the mirror and all I hear is "boy or girl"
Maybe one day I will have my self esteem back, it won't be for a long time. But maybe one day. Have you ever had this happen to you? How do you get over something like this?