Guilt. That is the first thing I think of when I think about having two kids. I always feel guilty. Did I spend to much time sorting blocks with Max, while Dexter wanted to play trains? Did I spend to much time Running around the house jumping on the furniture scream super hero words with Dexter while Max calmly stared at us like we had lost our minds? Did I sit down to long? I made Max his favorite thing for lunch, did Dexter notice? Did I tell both of them I loved them the same amount of times? Max constantly wants to be held, does Dexter notice? Does he feel left out?
I feel guilty because every day I have a favorite. Which ever is less demanding is my favorite child.
Guilty for wishing I had only one child weekly. Not that I wish Max was never born but I just wish I only had one kid to look after.
The way I look at my friends who have one child and all the attention they give them. I watch as they fulfill their kids every need, and want. No boo boo goes un-kissed because their sibling just took off their diaper and pooped on them. Or their sibling had a boo boo that was *actually* bleeding. I watch as my friends post pictures of them doing amazing things with their kids, teaching them things, playing new games, going new places. While I struggle to take my kids to the park because they never want to do the same thing and I hate not being in control of them. I feel guilt when I think about how I wish I had waited for Max.
I feel guilty for how hard it has been for me to adjust.
Guilty I threw Dexter a better first birthday party then I did Max.
I feel guilty when a mom of one asks how do I like having two kids. Or Whats it like. And all I can respond with is, its hard, its different then one. Guilty that I can't say "OH ITS AMAZING YOU SHOULD HAVE TWO!!" Guilty as I listen to my other friends that have two say that.
Guilt rushes over me when we have just run into the store to get bread, water, milk, ya know the things you NEED in life? And I can't go down one isle without *someone* looking at me and saying "Well, don't you have your hands FULL??" No I don't. I have two kids, who at the moment are behaving well, thank you for your sympathetic looks and judgmental comment. Or when they are behaving well not like angels and someone makes the comment it makes me want to cry. I feel so guilty not being able to control my kids, not having that love and compassion that I use to have. Not having the patients to come up with fun games, or the will to. They are right. I only have two kids, and my hands are full. I can't handle two kids. While I watch other parents handle 4 or 5 little ones with smiles on their faces and children behaving I can't help but think, why can't I parent like that?
That is the difference that came with having my second child. Its like someone came up to me and handed me a big bag of guilt and asked me to hang on to it a while. Truth is I actually felt guilty in the hospital having my second baby because I was not able to read my older son his bed time stories, I felt like I abandoned him.
As they grow older though I am finally starting to feel the guilt slowly drift away. I can start seeing all the trials I have been going through this past year starting to pay off. As my boys get older and start playing together and wanting each other it makes it easier. When Dexter is napping Max will run up to their room and bang on the door and laugh knowing Dex is in there and he wants him out. In the morning I hear them laughing when they first wake up. One morning I was listening to them play a while when it got quite I went in there, Dexter came running back a minute later with yogurt and a spoon and proudly exclaimed "I GOT MAXI BREAKFAST!!" Moments like this make my heart melt and show me that it is okay. I can let go of some of my guilt because while I did create a hard situation for myself I also created best friends.