Saturday I went out shopping for some new spring clothes all by myself. I was pretty excited! As I went to different stores I noticed something, I was wearing a smaller size. All my efforts of running and eating less were working. I was elated. As I stood in the dressing room staring myself down wearing a pair of jeans one size smaller than my normal size, and for the first time in years wearing a juniors shirt I thought "Maybe I am not as bad as I think. Maybe the world doesn't see what I see when I look at myself Maybe they don't see all my imperfections my love handles, stretch marks from my two blessings, my new giant hips, and my large arms. Maybe they see something else." At that moment starring into the mirror really giving myself a shake down I liked what I saw. I felt pretty. I felt a way I have not felt since Max was born.
As I walked up to the counter grinning about to purchase my new shirt I felt a new confidence. I smiled at everyone as I walked by, when the cashier told me that he loved my shirt I smiled and said thank you. What he said next I was not prepared for at that moment. Any other day and I would of been expecting it. He stared at me, looking right at my stomach and says "You know yet if its a boy or a girl?"
I took a deep breath and as calmly as I could replied "I am NOT pregnant" As I stood their feeling totally humiliated wondering if all the people in line behind me heard him and if they were thinking the same thing. I couldn't help but feel discouraged, I also couldn't help but cry. The guy tried to apologize but it was to late. My moment of having self esteem and feeling decent was gone. Just more proof of how no mater how hard I try I will never be as skinny as the world thinks women should be.
I just can't believe this has happened to me again. This is the fourth time since I had Max, almost a year ago.
Some days I really wonder if I will ever have self esteem again. Will I ever look at the girl starring at me in the mirror and like her or accept her again. I wonder if I will ever look at her and stop begging her to be better, skinnier, just be prettier. I thought I had gotten there, not feeling amazing but finally accepting myself but as quickly as it had come it was taken away. I have tried to not let it bother me but everyday I look in the mirror and all I hear is "boy or girl"
Maybe one day I will have my self esteem back, it won't be for a long time. But maybe one day. Have you ever had this happen to you? How do you get over something like this?
I have never been pregnant and someone asked me if I was. 6 years ago I decided to cut out LOTS of things from my life (including a not-so-nice husband). I managed to completely change my life, lose 50 pounds and get my self-esteem back.
ReplyDeleteIt's not easy but you CAN do it. Congrats on your hard work so far and remember it's not a race but a journey.
Keep your chin up and keep up the good work!
Thanks Mary, but the hard part is I have cut out so much. It was just like a slap in the face, my best will never be good enough and no mater how hard I try I still wont be skinny.
DeleteMegan, your best IS good enough! I think "skinny" is overrated and unhealthy. As long as you keep a positive attitude you can accomplish anything!
DeleteThat makes me upset for you. Don't let that dumb boy's comment ruin your new found self esteem! He has no idea where you have been or how far you have come. And he certainly has no idea what having a baby does to your body! Feel proud in your size smaller jeans, everyone you look at your boys, and KNOW you are amazing.
ReplyDelete-Alisha
Every time* :)
DeleteI'll always love you, always have, no matter what. I truely do think you are the most amazing woman in the world, and the girl of my dreams. You are beautiful, even if you don't believe me, it's true.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I thought that dumb cashier would put up more of a fight, but I guess he really felt bad about it. Of course, I continued to smash his face in because he deserved it.