I became a mom.
No matter how big he gets, what decisions he makes, where his life takes him, this is how I will always think of him. That sweet new life being given oxygen, me screaming from across the room "WHY ISN'T HE CRYING?!" and then after what seemed like an hour them placing him on my chest. Holding him in that moment I held everything that mattered. I no longer was asking for a nap, I no longer hurt, I no longer cared that I had been in labor for 4 days. All that mattered to me was him.
This is our family one year ago. I thought I was so prepared. As it turns out preparing a nursery, a "go" bag and having the right car seat does not prepare you for having a baby.
I remember leaving the hospital thinking, really thats it? You are letting me leave with him? Who is going to take care of him? Who is going to make sure he is okay? I can't do this! You people must be crazy to let me go home with him! I think I took him to the doctor at least 4 times that first month. I was so scared I was doing it wrong. I held him every day all day for the first two months until I went back to work. Then before work all I would do was hold him. I loved how warm and squishy he was. I loved nursing him. I loved snuggling him in bed with me those first 6 months. I wish I had let him stay in our bed longer. There are still nights that all I want to do is cuddle him.
I honestly can't believe a year has gone by. I have tried my hardest every day this year no matter how dificult or frustrating they have been to just enjoy it. To take every advantage of the moments that I have been given with him. When he cries to hold him. When he falls to give extra kisses. To rock him to sleep every night. For a year my only goal has been to spoil him as much as possible. To do everything those crabby moms tell you not to, and to listen to the ones with grown children who look at your baby so lovingly and longingly. I took the advice not of the nay sayers who told me "let him cry it out" "let him scream in his crib tell he falls asleep, you will get more sleep that way" "Don't hold him so much" "You know you can spoil a baby, he will want to be held all the time if you do that". Instead I chose to take the advice of the moms who smile when they see your baby, who you can see the love for babies in their eyes, the ones who tell you "It goes by way to fast, hold on to him". So that is just what I did. I held him. I have been holding him for a year. The night before he turned one I nursed him longer then normal, for me not him. I rocked him well past when he fell asleep. I hugged him tighter that I ever have. I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to put him in his crib and except that in the morning I would have a one year old. That my first year as being a mom was over. I had watched him take his first breaths, and now here I am watching him walk. Watching him talk and growing into this little man with such a big personality. I love him more and more every day. I hope I never forget all the things he has done this year. I hope that next year I can hold him just as much, if not more. That I never stop cherishing every moment I have with him. I know this year will be harder he will be into more things, and as he gets older he is going to try me more and more. I hope this year I can speak kindly when I want to yell, that I can play when I want to clean. I hope for the rest of my life I never forget how those first few moments of his life in my arms felt. His warm body on my chest. His little body needing me. I hope I never forget how it felt to snuggle him. Well before I start crying thinking about my little man, here are some pictures. I hope you enjoy.
This year Dexter has learned how to roll over, sit up, giggle, smile, wink, whistle (yes at one point he could whistle he has stopped doing it now though!) crawl, walk, play with toys, hold things, and melt my heart! I wonder what next year has in store for us!